The Bridegroom

I stood by the window in the church office, ready with my white dress on, hair in soft curls and make up that made me look like a movie-star. Since I was a little girl, I had thought of this day. But, over the years I had truly started to wonder if it was in God’s plan for me. Quite frankly I had come to the conclusion many times that it was only a dream. Yet, there I stood, waiting to walk down the aisle to the man the Lord had been preparing for me. It was actually really happening!

            Words cannot describe the joy and deep thankfulness I have been feeling in this season. I spent many nights in the past crying out to the Lord in my loneliness asking for a companion in life that would strive towards the Lord with me and make me more like Jesus. In many seasons the Lord enabled me to embrace my singleness and, in His kindness, has allowed me to know Him more through it. Let’s be real, it was not always rainbows and sunshine and I had many times where I was angry with the Lord and longed for a husband for selfish reasons. Yet, He continued to work on me and mold and shape me through it all. In this season of joy, gladness, and thankfulness, I cannot help but remember my sisters (and brothers) out there who are still single and waiting with the same longing I once had for a spouse. So, this is for you. If it could in some small way lift up your head and remind you of the greatness of our God. And, this is to give thanks and praise the God who sustained Micah and I both for this day and will continue to do so in our marriage. 

            For the longest time I felt like my life was on hold though time itself continued on. I watched siblings and friends marry and have kids and it felt like the world was moving on without me. Everyone around me was growing up and enjoying life, but my life stood still in this purgatory of waiting. As another younger sibling, or another single friend would get married I would think, “well there goes another one. One less friend and companion in the world who understands me.” And as the number of single friends dwindled it became ever more discouraging. So that even as I was leaving the church with my new husband off to our honeymoon I was praying for and thinking of my single friends who may be feeling the same way as I did so many times before. And my prayer is that we can still be good friends and that you know I still understand and am still with you. Much of society, culture and church even are focused on families, which is a good thing, but it can often leave singles feeling very isolated. For years, I was that single women who heard all the things people would say to encourage me, yet somehow it was more disheartening.

-        “You can do so much more for God when you are single” – well, what if I’m currently a mess and feel like God isn’t doing anything in me right now, what then? What if I’m no good at being single, then I definitely won’t be any good at being married. . . 

-       “He will bring the right person at the right time” – what if I’m not the right person and what if there is no ‘right time,’ what if there really is no ‘right person’ that could love me 

-       “He is just still preparing you both for each other” – seriously? I know I am flawed, but am I THAT bad that there is no one I’m good enough for? How long is my ‘preparation’ going to take? 

-       Or the not so subtle, “So, I have this friend that is single that I really want you to meet” – because I am so hopeless at finding someone on my own. 

 

I feel like I’ve heard it all. Sometimes I could let things roll off and sometimes it felt like a knife. In God’s grace, at times, He enabled me to take it with grace and not take everything so negatively, but there were many times where I just became angry. So, if that’s you please know the Lord sees you and you truly are NOT alone! 

During these times the one verse or passage that the Lord continued to bring back to my mind was Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Singleness can be a sweet season with the Lord if you allow it to be. But it can also be a pit of despair, if you allow it to be. The choice is yours. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus is reminding the crowd that Almighty God is the one who provides for all our needs. He clothes the flowers of the fields and feeds the birds. And, in case you forgot, He counts YOU as much more valuable and He loves you much more! One of my favorite quotes from John Piper (he has some great resources for single Christians by the way), is that “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” What does it even mean to seek Him first, or be most satisfied in Him? It means that He becomes our everything. That He is ultimately what we long for and what we strive after. That deep hole you feel in your life, it is NOT a spouse you’re looking for. . . it’s actually Christ Himself! Colossians 1:16-17 tells us that “All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.” Here’s the secret: God made you, exactly as you are, FOR HIMSELF. He is your bridegroom, and He is able to satisfy you in greater and deeper ways than anything in this entire universe! I can tell you from personal experience that there have been times where the Lord allowed me to truly seek Him first. Being in His presence is joy and contentment greater than anything I have ever known! In some of John Piper’s material for single Christians he makes the point that Christ is the best thing for us, period. And that any good thing on this earth- marriage, companionship, sex – it is all meant to be a spring board, or a picture to point us to Christ because He is the only one that can fulfill us in ways these other things never can. So, please hear me, you are NOT missing out on life, you are NOT living a ‘less-than’ ‘deficient’ or ‘sub-par’ life as a single Christian! You have access to the throne of Almighty God the same as everyone else. And He is the only One who can fill you up in every moment of everyday. He is the only One who will love you perfectly just as you are and make you the best version of yourself! Look to the God who gave His life for you! He wants you just as you are, and He wants all of you! He truly knows you fully and completely and says, yes, you are mine! “As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you” Isaiah 62:5.

Let me also just note here that even in times where the Lord helped me believe these things and drew me to Himself, I would still ask Him for a physical body and person to just hug every now and then or a shoulder to cry on. God did make us for companionship and for community. So, if this is you. I hear you and I cannot stress the importance of finding a community of other Christians to be the physical representation of Christ to you. And for those of us who are married, we need community too, but can we also not neglect our single friends. Invite them to holiday dinners, or just a weeknight dinner. Even if you have all the toddlers and have no time, can you invite them to get groceries with you or to help watch your kids while you cook dinner. Can we all invite them to do life with us, because that is the Body of Christ. 

 

            And now, may I shift to lay down an offering of thanks before the God who has been and will forever be my bridegroom and my everything. 

            On August 5^th 2023 I was finally able to walk down the aisle to my best friend and the man I love. I cannot fully put into words how thankful I am for him. The Lord gave me a man who truly loves Him first, a man who challenges me and helps make me more like Jesus. A man who actually leads me to Christ and is not afraid to stand up for what is right in a society where men are constantly put down. Jesus shines through him. He makes me laugh and has helped me get back to a child-like wonder and excitement. He takes me on adventures and protects and provides so that I can relax and enjoy the ride. Micah Isenhour, you were worth the wait and worth not compromising! 

        

        It would have been more than enough to marry him, but to celebrate that day with so many of our friends and family made it so much sweeter. There were decades of people and families the Lord had used in various seasons of our lives that had come to witness and celebrate what the Lord was doing in us. So many people that the Lord used to make Micah and I who we are today. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness as I looked over the faces of precious life-long friends and family who took the time to celebrate that day with us. It meant more than you could know to see so many of you there and to be reminded of how the Lord blessed us with each of your lives. 

 

        The kindness of the Lord has continued to leave me in awe. 

        And yet, as sweet and precious as that day and night were, as wonderful as these few weeks of marriage have been (and it has been better than I could ever have imagined), it truly does not compare to the joy and satisfaction I have felt in the presence of Almighty God. So, my single friends, I can honestly tell you. . . God is enough. He has your best for you. He is good, oh so good! Run to Him!     

        Your bridegroom is waiting for you. 

All Creation Proclaims

And just like that my time at Tenwek has come to an end. It was not what I thought it would be but what the Lord had planned. I was able to help the pediatric team in the hospital for a few shifts again before leaving. It was a pleasure to work alongside them and to even see how the team has grown and improved since my last visit. My last week at Tenwek we did have a few kids that ended up in the ICU. One a small child with a well-known congenital anomaly that is usually found pretty quickly in the US. Essentially his bladder could not empty like it should and over time fluid built up in his kidneys and caused damage and enlargement. He came in very sick with kidneys that were failing. So, his electrolytes were very off as well as his blood pressure. You may not be aware, but kids rarely have heart or circulation problems that cause high blood pressure. In children the most common cause would be problems with the kidneys. The kidneys are a fascinating organ and honestly do some very incredible things to keep us alive. Part of that is regulating how much fluid is in our bodies- if we pee out more fluid or hold onto it. They also filter out waste products and excess electrolytes and give feedback to the body on how high the blood pressure should be. This kiddo had an interesting problem that is not very common in kids. His systolic blood pressure (top number) was SUPER high for his age and height, but his diastolic blood pressure (bottom number) was so low I was worried he was about to crash on me. So, at the same time he had both hypertension (too high) and hypotension (too low). We had to give medication to lower his blood pressure because when it is that high there is a risk of a stroke, but we also had to give fluids to raise his blood pressure and keep him from crashing. Thankfully the Lord has begun healing his kidneys and he is doing much better now! 

Our other child in the ICU came in with systemic varicella zoster. You may recognize that as the virus that causes chicken pox or shingles. But this was to the max! His lungs had fluid in them and he had a liver injury all from a virus that many in the US take for granted. Thankfully, he also is doing better for the time being. Every time I go to Tenwek there is a wide array of pathology that is both interesting and sad. Malaria, HIV, Guillain Barre Syndrome, Trisomy 13, fatal diaphragmatic hernia, graft vs host disease, lots of meningitis, malnutrition and pneumonia, several with pulmonary hypertension and heart disease either congenital or from rheumatic fever. But what is so nice to see is that even halfway around the world in a culture that is very different than my own people are worshiping and praising the same God! It never ceases to amaze me how you can find those who follow the Jesus of the Bible all over the World. And how hungry people are to know Him! 

Romans 10:19-20 “Since what can be known about God is evident among them, because God has shown it to them. For since His invisible attributes, that is, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen since the creation of the world, being understood through what He has made. As a result, people are without excuse.” This passage is talking about how creation proclaims that there is a God and therefore no one has an excuse to not worship the Creator. Just before coming home, I went on Safari. I saw lions, zebra, giraffe, elephants, all kinds of antelope, cape buffalo, hippos, and monkeys. His creation is truly astounding and points to a Creator that is even better! You see there is a God who is great and loving and perfect. But sin has messed this world up in incredible ways and keeps us separated from Him and we ALL sin (Romans 3:23). Yet, God in His mercy sent Jesus to pay our penalty for sin so that we could have fellowship with Him again (Romans 6:23-24 and John 3:16). But this restoration is only for those to repent of their sin (agree that they are sinners and turn from their sin) and place their faith and trust in Jesus to save them (Acts 3:19, Romans 10:13). Creation in all its beauty and magnificence is shouting at us to believe in Christ. Are you listening? I urge you, if you have never sought this Creator God, do so today. Ask Him to show you His glory in the creation around you and He will. But then repent and believe! Colossians 1:23 says “the Gospel has been proclaimed in all creation.” Have you heard? 

The Purest Milk

Tenwek hospital is located in Bomet Kenya. Home to the Kipsigis tribe, it draws people from all over Eastern Africa for various surgical needs. On rounds the other morning we were discussing how it can be difficult for families here to understand that sometimes it is actually better for a sick person to NOT eat for a short time for various reasons. For example, before having surgery it is very important that the person NOT eat for several hours so that when they are intubated there is much less risk of complications. Or if they are really really sick sometimes we do not put food into the gut because we want the body to use all its energy to heal or because the gut itself is sick and cannot digest food. In these instances we still give nutrients through an IV but just not through the gut. Culturally here at Tenwek this is hard for families to understand and often they will sneak food to their loved one while in the hospital and staff have to be very diligent to watch and to educate. So, yes, there are certain times where eating is not the best thing for a sick person. But, I think we can all agree, for the most part, that our bodies need food and nutrients in order to heal and that when someone wants more food this is typically a sign they are getting better or growing. Not to mention how we need food for normal daily functions and activities when we are well. 

1 Peter starts out chapter 2 like this, “Therefore laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy and all evil speaking, as newborn babies, desire the pure milk of the Word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious.” There is a lot here but I think you know where I am going. When I am sick with evil desires, or lying or living a hypocritical life the nutrients of the Word of God do not access my heart and help me grow. Here as with any illustration it does break down some because even in sin the Word of God does not return void, so where as food given to someone very sick can sometimes make them worse, the Word of God never has such an effect. But someone who is in sin may need a very broken down form of the Word for a time until they can receive and grow from pure milk. As a Christian, growing in my faith and walking with the Lord means casting off, running away from, and leaving behind sins that hinder me from coming to Him. By the power of the Holy Spirit in us we are to strive to be kind, honest, pure, and content which would be the picture of health in the Christian life. And as this is happening we will have a natural desire and longing for the nutrients of the Word of God. This is how we know that we are growing in our faith. However, this really only occurs in those who have ‘tasted that the Lord is gracious.” This is one way of saying it is only for those who are truly believers. Children of God have been offered the Bread of Life and tasted that He is good and gracious and keep coming back for more! 

Another quick note on this section. I was struck this morning as I thought on the Word of God. This chapter begins with the word ‘therefore.’ And, as my pastor growing up used to say, “when you see a therefore, find out what it is there for.” The therefore to begin chapter 2 references back to the section that ended chapter 1 where Peter quotes Isaiah 40:6-8, “All flesh is like grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of the grass. The grass withers, and its flower falls away, but the word of the Lord endures forever.” Every time I come to Tenwek I am confronted more often with the reality of death for every one of us. Our lives truly are but a vapor. But the glory of man is also a vapor and will not last. As Solomon says over and over it is all vanity. Our jobs, houses, bank accounts, cars, you name it, all the glory of man is vanity and will pass away to be forgotten. Governments, politics, supreme court decisions, and wars fought and won or lost, all of it is vanity. The ONLY thing that stands the test of time is the Word of God, and how I praise Him for it! With all that is going on in our world today that feels like it is being turned upside down, the Gospel and the Truth remain! I don’t know about you, but especially because of this ( i.e. therefore) I crave the Word of God because I need Truth in the midst of such chaos where people are so confused. And, I crave it because I have tasted, and oh how incredibly sweet and good, gracious, merciful and pure! There is nothing else that satisfies! I pray that if you have not tasted and seen that He is gracious, that He would even now draw you to Himself. And for those of us who have tasted, I pray we would continue to come thirsty to the well of living water and stand firm on the Truth that never fades away and will remain constant and unchanging no matter what happens in this crazy world! 

Better Than Gold

1 Peter 1:7 says “that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” What truly is the greatest gift or assurance we could have? Safety? Health? Security? Our culture today would say these things in an instance. Who doesn’t want assurance that they will be safe from robbers, or will live a long healthy life free of disease, or that no matter what happens they have enough money in the bank or alarm systems, or friends that it will be okay. Who doesn’t want some sort of insurance that will take care of us no matter what happens? But the Bible tells us something very different. 1 Peter makes is clear that we will go through trials and unexpected storms. That sometimes we will be robbed or stolen from, sometimes we will get sick, sometimes our money will run out, our friends will abandon us. I read a post on social media today where a women wrote how she would have saved Daniel from the lions den, or Ester from her difficult situation, or Jesus from the cross. If she were the author of the story of history then she would have stopped the pain and suffering. But, she recognized that in so doing she would have stopped the king in Daniel’s day from turning to God, and stopped Esther from saving her people, and kept Christ from saving the world from sin. Too often I find myself always wanting to ‘fix’ the broken situation and stop the suffering trying to take things into my own hands. But that is not always good or right. 1 Peter reminds us that these trials are doing something and they have a purpose. Just like example after example in the Bible we see that God divinely controls every detail and uses every bad thing in His people for something greater. As a follower of Jesus, my greatest assurance is that I am His and nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8), that I am sealed by Almighty God into His family, free from sin, forgiven, and that when this life is over perfect harmony and unity with God Himself are in store forever! Wow! So much more than any security or wealth or relationships on earth I am secure for eternity! When God allows His children to go through trials and sees them through to the other side, when we can praise Him in the storm like Job instead of cursing Him then we can be assured that we are His. And this is the greatest peace and comfort. 

 

Now, let me say a few things to go along with this. I am not saying that when we see someone going through trials that we ignore them and do not try to help as that is in no way loving them. As they have need we are command to help our brothers and sisters. But, we also lift them up to the Father earnestly, fervently asking that He would intervene on their behalf, strengthen and encourage them and use it all for His glory and their good. And as the Lord shows us how to help we obey but doing it all under His guidance, submitting to His plan. I also want to point out that for those who are part of God’s family we have ultimate security, safety and even wealth that is far beyond anything earthly. I am simply showing that as 1 Peter 1:7 tells us, going through and coming out of trials praising the Lord is one way that God shows us we are His. And it is reason to rejoice even in suffering. 

 

We have had somewhat of a turn of events here at Tenwek this weekend. Most of the week was rather chill though we have had some infants in the NICU that are pretty sick and not doing well. Our kiddos with meningitis are all improving as are our kiddos with pneumonia and most with heart disease. Several have been able to go home over the past few days. In typical God fashion one morning this week we had a student present on nephritic vs nephrotic kidney disease and then had a child come in with nephritic disease overnight. It was a sweet blessing of the Lord to remind us of this disease and how to treat it as this child came in. He is also doing better now thanks to the Lord. Our call team Friday night attended a delivery of a baby with diaphragmatic hernia. Since women do not routinely received prenatal ultrasounds here they had no idea the baby would have a congenital malformation. The baby cried immediately after birth which is normally a very reassuring sign but quickly decompensated and became blue and purple. Our team tried all the things but ultimately the baby passed away because he could not breathe. The xray showed that only the right side of his diaphragm (the muscle between your lungs and your gut that helps you breathe) had formed and his intestines were all up in his lung cavity on the L side. Because of this his lung on the left side did not form and his heart was pushed all the way over into the left side of this chest so that only very very small amount of lung on the left side of his chest had developed. Inside the womb he had everything he needed provided by His mother, but on his own he could not survive. I cannot begin to say why God would allow this baby to develop this way in his mother’s womb or why he brought them to Tenwek even though there was nothing our peds team could have done to give him a chance at life. But I know my God is sovereign and He is good. And I know that just like this infant when I am in Christ and He in me I have everything needed for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (2Peter 1:3), but on my own, apart from Him I am missing organs vital to life. We have 4 other babies in the NICU and one on the peds wards that I am very concerned about. Some of them really seem like they truly will not get better and we are talking about palliative care with the family. It is a hard thing to know when to stop trying to prolong life and recognize that there is nothing more we can do but allow the family to grieve. Please join me in praying for these families and for our team to have Godly wisdom to know when to push harder for more medical treatment and care and when to stop and ‘do no harm.’ 

 

On another note, I tested positive for COVID yesterday. There has been a small outbreak in our peds ward and now I can no longer assist with the team in the hospital in person. I am doing fine with only cold symptoms but am now forced to assist from the side lines. The Lord has been so very gracious through even this and is providing for my every need. Please also join me in praying that covid would not continue to spread through our patients, staff, or other guests here at the guest house where I am staying. Please pray the Lord would sustain and strengthen our peds team to be able to carry the load with less people. He is oh so good, and I am looking forward to time to sit at His feet. 

Day 1 Again

My team and I arrived at Tenwek yesterday afternoon. It has been wonderful to see some good friends and familiar facies. Many hugs all around as I was finally able to settle in and unpack for a while. The Lord graciously allowed me to sleep all night making jet lag minimal (possibly because we were just so tired). And today I jumped right in with rounds. I’d like to say it was if I had never left, but wow I’m a little rusty on some of my inpatient pediatric knowledge. But thankfully I had some time to look up some things and adjust plans as the day went. During my time here there is also a neonatologist visiting which is a tremendous blessing! Neonatology (all the little sick babies) is a totally different world even than pediatrics and it is by far my weakest area. So I am super pumped that she is here to help with our sickest and smallest babies. 

            Our team has about 25 or so kids in the pediatric wards and step down units and about 27 or so in the NICU. Many of the kids on the peds ward have heart disease, heart failure or pulmonary hypertension causing heart failure. We have some with bacterial meningitis and some with pneumonia and some with malnutrition. It has already been a taxing day on my brain (in a good way) and I have been exercising areas of my memory that seriously need to be dusted off! I can honestly say though that some things today came easier than I expected like riding a bike. As I have mentioned before though the peds team here is incredible. I’m happy to come assist and give them a break, but they make it easy to jump in and help. So all in all a good first day back to working at Tenwek hospital. I’m praying the Lord continues to give me what I need to serve and love well. Praising Him for safe travels here , a great team to work with, and a good first day back. 

And We're Back

This Fourth of July morning I am writing from a country I was unaware existed just 48 hours ago. I'm currently about 30 hours into my travels back to Tenwek hospital. Lord willing we will get to Nairobi later today and to Tenwek tomorrow afternoon. I started this trip fully expecting some setbacks with how crazy the airlines have been recently. It has made the extra day of travel less annoying but still annoying nonetheless. This extra time does give me time to sit and reflect and try to refocus before jumping into a busy hospital. Last year’s trip was hard. I think my expectations are a little different this go around, but more than anything else I need to meet with the Lord in a personal way. It feels like I left my life back home in chaos and there has just been a lot going on. There are various things weighing heavy on my heart. Situations I cannot fix or even really help much. So, even before I am in similar situations facing children who are dying or very ill I already have a heart that is desperate for the living God. I have no control over anything and it is forcing me to lead into the Lord. So, as I sit here for a long lay over and wait I’m praying the Lord would help my unbelief and give me grace to trust. Right now and in the next 2 weeks there are and will be people and situations that I cannot fix or make better. I am and will not be enough. But I can even now cry out to the God who sees on their behalf and have open hands and a willing heart to serve as He calls. 

            For those of you going on this journey with me I will be going through 1 Peter on this trip. And today I am meditating on the joyous Truth that I am kept, secure, and held by the Power of God and that these trials now and those coming are temporary, purposeful and produce faith that is far more precious than gold. Would you join me in praying that the Lord and His Word would permeate my mind and heart and be my main focus even above all the medicine and especially above all the trials. 

The Blessing That Comes From Wrestling

Jacob wrestled with God. He held on until God blessed him. When he walked away, he had a limp that would stay forever, but he had seen God face to face. What happens when we wrestle with God? When deep in our soul we oppose Him and yet long for Him? What happens when you slow down enough that it all catches up to you? When I finished high school, I had no idea I was only halfway through. If you had told me then that I would have another 12 years of formal education I would have thrown in the towel. The same day my brother signed with Georgetown University to run track; I found out I had been accepted to medical school. I remember just sitting under a tree at my church in complete awe of God’s power, goodness, and mercy. He had made it abundantly clear that this was the path He had for me. The confidence that gave me during medical school was unbelievable. Talk about peace under pressure! I knew I was called despite my apparent lack of competence. I worked hard, harder than I ever had before. But those were some of the sweetest years with the Lord because I knew I was in His will and following His lead. It was all about Him. 

             Fast forward several years. Now practicing not only as a pediatrician but also a sports medicine specialist and having opportunities to serve both in Africa and in the US. I finally finished school and I’m “doing the work.” So why is it so much harder? Why is my confidence shaken now? Why am I wrestling so hard with the Lord and not wanting to give in? And in my head, I hear Mufasa from the Lion King say, “you have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Remember who you are.” Obviously, God is not the same as Mufasa from this secular movie. However, the idea remains true. I have forgotten who God is, and who He made me to be. I went to a conference this weekend where the speaker reminded us that just like the children of Israel, we tend to forget all the Lord has done for us. How could the children of Israel just forget the incredible miracle of walking across dry land in the middle of the sea? Yet in the same way how could I forget the incredible miracle it was that God saved me and has made me a physician? “All that must happen in order for us to forget is that we choose to not actively remember.” I have chosen to not actively remember the goodness of the Lord in my life. I have chosen to not actively remember his grace and mercy that pulled me out of my sin. Why is it so much easier to actively remember and play over and over in our heads the bad, the ugly, the deaths, the hard times? And why do we not in the same way actively choose to remember the times He chose to save, the ways that He gently lifted our head, or the way that He give us just enough to do exactly what He called us to do? When I started this blog back in 2011, I never would have imagined the blessing it has been to me personally. Even now going back and choosing to remember over and over the times where the Lord came through in my inadequacy. The Lord asks us as Christians to have compassion and step into the mess and the hurt of those around us. I knew as a student going into medicine that it would be hard to take on and help shoulder the burdens of my patients. Yet, I have always known and trusted that He would be enough to carry me through all the pain and hurt. However, I think what I am struggling with now is why it's still so hard if He is supposed to be enough to carry all those burdens. But what if the problem is that I still try to carry them myself. In my pride I choose to not let them go and leave them at his feet. I choose to forget that He is the one who saves and not me. I choose to forget that He alone is the only one who can bring healing or hope into their situations. I choose to forget that He is the one who did just that for me. As a young medical student when I studied my eyes were on Him as the creator and the source of everything that I was studying. Therefore, He was everything that I was living and breathing. I could feel His presence with me as I studied just as much as in the middle of a worship service. So why do I not feel that now? Why do I try to do it in my own strength? I forget to sit and bask in who He is. I forget to sit and remember and to thank Him for all the many incredible wonders that He has done even in my own life. I know from personal experience after times where I focus on the incredible majesty and the incredible indescribable character of our God that I then have renewed confidence, joy, love, and peace to give and to show others. It seems so easy to say. Yet it takes the time to sit and “be”. And so even now as I wrestle with some of the many things that the Lord has called me to walk through in my own life, and with people who are hurting, I'm trying to also sit in the goodness of God not only in the past but trusting that He is still the same God today as He was then. Lord help my unbelief.

 

    It may seem obvious from the outside but I’m still learning how much I have allowed pride to creep into my life and destroy me. Feeling like I have arrived or that I could do any of this on my own. Feeling like I have something to bring to the table on my own. I knew when I went to medical school that pride would be a major temptation and I begin praying against it even before I got there. I never should have let that prayer fade away. Looking back, I can see even now I've allowed it to seep in so deeply. I get angry with God because he doesn't allow me to fix my patients when they're hurting, and I don't get the outcome I want. Or I get angry when family or friends go through hard things, and I can't make it better. But since when was it ever about me? As we see in the book of James, the Lord uses hard times to make us more like Him. In fact, James tells us to count it all joy when we face various trials. Why can I not trust him to take care of those He's entrusted to my care? Why do I feel like my prayers are not ‘as good’ as me being there in person or ‘fixing’ the situation? 

 

    And thus, it's not hard to understand why so many in the health care profession face burnout. Especially during these times with the pandemic. We're all working ourselves into the ground trying to make a difference and yet it's still all about us. We continue to step into the mess and the hurt of people’s lives, but we don't know what to do with it then. We are trying in our own strength to be the strength for someone else, but we can't. And so, I'm learning to get back to the basics. I'm praying that the Lord grants me humility and continues to root out the pride that so entangles my life. I'm asking for the grace to just sit and take in His Majesty. I'm asking Him to help me remember over and over His goodness and His faithfulness in my own life. As the speaker from our conference said, “Sitting in the negative discounts the goodness of God.” I cannot discount His goodness for He is good. He has been good, and He will forever continue to be good. Lord, help me see and chose to remember your goodness. Help my unbelief and trust that you are the answer to the hurt and the pain. Help me be someone who can sit in the hurt and lead others to you for healing. Help me trust that the comfort you bring and the work you are doing is so much greater than anything I could ever do. Help me trust you. Bless me as you did Jacob. Even if it means I come out limping.